trails 39: Determination

Mother, father, I'm sorry for disappointing you... I've long know that i could not hand to you the result that you've been expecting from me... I already know that i'm... always the black sheep in this family... I always make things worse, make you frustrated, damaging stuffs in house...

ah, 2 days full after taking my SPM result, even before that i've know that i would get the most bad result in our family history... all because of my laid-back and lazy attitude... I guess i should really be punished...

my result..
1 A 2 B+ 3 B 1 C+ 1 C 1 D 1 E :-

A   English
B+ Sains pertanian (agriculture)
B+ Sejarah (History)
B   Bahasa Melayu
B   Pend. Agama Islam
B   Mathematics
C+ Biology
C   Chemistry
D   Physic
E   Additional Mathematics

it's really bad, i've got the worse result in my class... i'm.. very sure of it.
what's the use of getting an A for English? It doesn't help much... Cause I know i couldn't go to the course that i wished for and I know I couldn't even go to the course that both mother and father wanted me to...

what's the use of a bad attitude and lazy black sheep? no one want me... no one will accept me. probably.
I know that i shouldn't have been born... but i'm treasuring my life.. since its also no use if i attempt to suicide, losing my life as early as this... wouldn't it be such a waste? Waste of my parent money, spending on me, schooling me, making sure that i'm getting my education...

that's why, i've planned, and determined... I want to leave this country. I will... I will... I no longer want to burden my family... yet, i'll have to make sure that i'll continue to study, and when i'm done and worked for few years, i'll... leave, i'll leave. for sure.

Even my cousin got much more better result than me... She got Mathematics, A. Sains Pertanian, B. Pend. Agama Islam and Bahasa Melayu, C+, Prinsip Perakaunan, C. History, Biology and Chemistry, D. Lastly Additional Mathematics and English, E.

and compared to my older sister, she got 7 A, 2 B and 1 C... I know, I know... She've been studying seriously, unlike me, still playing around... basically it's my own fault from the very beginning...

But... I want to thanks my older sister a lot.. for encouraging me, making jokes... to make me cheerful again.. I'll follow your advice, from now on, I'll take the course that I like and enjoy the most... i'll make sure, for real, 15 years after this, I'll be out of this country... I'll make sure, I'll not burden you, mother father...

and for my dearest friend, closest friends,.. I envy you guys... Some of you've already got invitation for an  interview to continue study.. I'd say congratz and good luck, Imah. Be brave, I'm sure the you that I met 3 years ago are now, today, ready to go to the outside world.

My dear friend Intan, I'm sure you'll be what you want.. I'm sure your result are a totally a blast with flying colours...

Now what's left is me... Pray for me, Pray for me so that i'll at the very least to be accepted into a college or a University... to continue study.

I'm determined, i'll no longer stray away for my aim... wish for me, pray for me... so that my dream, a new dream, to be finally reached. The one and only dream that this single black sheep wanted to reach so much...


Goodbye to you friend
We've known each other for a long time...
we parts our way to different path
into the wide world..

I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
yet i didn't listen...
and this is the final result..

......i'll be off now then.....

i'm glad... that i do not have any follower except one, i'm glad after typing all those...